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2005-01-30 Pages From My Journal I have a personal, handwritten journal that I keep for things that I'm not ready to display to the world, or things I've displayed to the world to no end but I'm not finished with yet, or for when I go up to Rawdon and thus don't have a computer. I wrote in it this weekend for the third reason, and I thought I'd share it with you: January 29th, 2005 Now, I'm not deluding myself here either. Neither Mommy nor Nanny want me to go or are happy about it. If I were to turn to them and say, "I'm not going", their faces would break into big, stupid grins and they'd heave a huge sigh of relief. They will get along without me - they are, afterall, adults - but they're used to having me around, they like having me around, and this will require a big rearranging of their lives. So, no. They aren't happy about it, but - on the surface, at least - they accept it. I'm more surprised with Nanny because I haven't mentioned it as much to her. Truth be told, I've gone out of my way NOT to talk about it when she's around. So it's not like she's had a lot of opportunity to get used to the idea. I was afraid she'd forgotten about it, what with all the shit going on about the house, but she actually opened the door for me. After supper, we were talking about different things, and I just mentioned this winter's storms in the Maritimes. She said, "Well, if you're still going to Halifax, you'd better wait until the summer." I said, "Actually," (Ignoring Mommy's look that pleaded with me not to bring it up now), "I'm moving there in April. Winter will be pretty well over and -- " "April! You're not going in April!" So I told her I was, and yes to move, no not a vacation, and she asked me if I have an apartment yet, or a job, etc. etc. and thus, it was done. She only said that while she figured I would go, she didn't think it'd be so soon (But you know, it's always too soon. Even for me, it often feels like it's too soon, and yet, simultaneously, not soon enough). Man. Am I happy that's over! Now, this shit that's going on with the house. It is a good deal. She'd get $80K now, then the other $80K when either she moves (IF she moves), or Mommy and Uncle Mel would get it when she passes. As much as I hate the idea of this house being torn down, Mommy can't afford to keep it after Nanny's gone. If she says no to this offer, Mommy will be lucky to get $30K for it, total. So, as much as I hate it, I do think Nanny should take it. Now, she can certainly stay here for the rest of her days, but if she does decide to move, I have a few practical, but also selfish, ideas. She shouldn't buy another house, in my opinion. She'd be trading the upkeep of this place for the upkeep of another. I think she should get an apartment in Montreal, preferably in the area Mommy and Daddy live in, so she'd be closer to them. Why is this selfish? Because then my move won't be such a HUGE deal. They won't have to travel to Rawdon except for special occasions. Mommy won't have to be terrorized for an hour by Daddy's driving. Everyone will be close together and - hopefully - happy. Oh - it's movie-time. * January 30th, 2005 Hmm... So maybe I was right when I thought that Mommy's acceptance of my move was surface-only. She's been in a crabby mood for the past hour or two, and Halifax has come up. it's about 2:05pm, so we'll be heading back to Montreal soon, so she and I both came upstairs to pack. When I came, her door was pushed to. I left it for a minute, but didn't hear the sounds of packing (bags crinkling, zipper shutting on the suitcase), so I poked my head in. She's lying on the bed on her side, facing away from the door. "Are you okay?" I asked. She started and rolled halfway to look at me. "Yeah, I'm just lying down for two minutes." Maybe she's just tired or has a headache or something, but it looked like she'd been crying a bit. She seemed to wipe at the side of her face. Maybe me telling Nanny that I'm going in April really brought it home to her. maybe when Nicole mentioned starting her new job in April, it brought to mind the thought, "Amanda will be leaving", the same way I think such things when people at work mention April or May, or some month in the future when I won't be there. I hope she knows that this isn't easy on me either, that while I'm really excited, I'm also really sad and really scared. That I'm used to having my family around me as much as she's used to having me. I know that she feels what she feels, and she has little control over it, and she's entitled to her opinion and emotions, but GODDAMN! It would SO FUCKING NICE if she didn't make me feel as though I'm ABANDONING her! I want to move to Halifax. She lives here. What the hell does she expect from me? She, herself, mentioned today that she loved Toronto when she and Daddy lived there, and she'd STILL be there if it hadn't been for him and his utter hatred of that city. So she chose to let him make that decision, she chose to do something counter to what she wanted, and since this isn't the first time I've heard about that, I have to assume she feels a lot of regret and bitterness whenever she thinks about it. Her brother got up and out of Dodge a long time ago, she stayed, and now a) she feels she can't just up and leave because she's 57 and b) Nanny is 90, so she's definitely not going to leave her now. So you'd think she would back me up, tell me to do what I want, follow my heart and all that, but NO! she had to give up and give up, so I should have to as well! Fuck. But, maybe I'm wrong. Maybe she's just tired. Nanny just came in and said that she wanted to take the Sherry my mom was drinking away from her because it was an extra one. So maybe she's a little tipsy? That's laughable, almost, because Mommy's never gotten so tipsy she had to lay down. No. My gut tells me that this is my doing - not that I'm actually blaming myself, but she's upset over my leaving. That's why she wouldn't even consider letting me store a futon in the garage if I could get one super-cheap at that furniture store. What am I supposed to do? I feel so helpless because the only way I could make her happy again would be to say I'm not going, I'll stay in Montreal, but I'm not about to do that. If ever Jean Marc has doubts about me actually going, he should keep that in mind: I love my mom and I've always been willing to do anything for her, my heart has been torn out thousands of times since September at the pain I've seen in her face, and not once have I budged. I've felt like an utter selfish bitch just as many times, and that's not a nice feeling, and yet, I'm still going. She's made some sacrifices and now she's bitter, and I don't want to end up like that. I remember that counselor I saw at McGill who, after listening to what my home life was like, told me he'd be afraid of what I'd be like in 5-10 years if I continued living at home (for the record, it's been about 5 years, and I think I turned out relatively okay). Well, she's up now. She claims that she had cramps last night and didn't sleep well. Sounds plausible enough, but I don't know if I believe her. There was something odd in her voice - it made me think of her lying voice - and her eyes look a bit watery, so I don't know. Anyway, I guess we're going back to Montreal today afterall. * Now that I've had time to think about it, I might have been wrong. Maybe she didn't feel too great last night and didn't sleep well. I guess I'm just not convinced that she's fully accepted it, and I'm waiting for the day when she turns around and starts crying and begging me not to move.
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