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2003-10-02 To my amazement, World War III didn't break out last night when my father told my mother about the car. She was upset, yes, but it was a quiet anger. I was even quietly angry when he told her - granted, I'd exploded at him earlier when I initially found out, but after supper when I said a few more things to him, my voice was cold and calm. And somehow, that seemed scarier to me. I'm the type of person who's fairly explosive when I'm mad, and while that might seem more frightening to some people, it's what I expect from myself. I haven't spoken to my father yet today. Not that I've been up really for all that long: last night when I went to bed, my stomach was hurting, and it was really bad when I woke up this morning at 7:30 to pee. So, I figured I should get a bit more sleep. I know it's partly, well, "that time of the month", but I think that my anger and disappointment just made it worse. Thankfully, it doesn't seem quite so bad right now. I want to avoid talking to him for as long as possible (aside from answering quick questions or asking him to pass the butter and whatnot), but knowing myself, it wont' last nearly long enough. Unless I don't really know a person who's pissed me off (for example, the guys at that company) or unless the person has been repeatedly cruel to me (for example, that stupid cunt in elementary school), I have trouble staying mad at people. You can just imagine how difficult it is to stay mad at my own father. Because, no matter what, he's my dad and I have memories of before his stroke when he was nice and fun to be around. Yesterday I was thinking to myself that my real dad died at the time of that stroke, and this man who looks just like him is the stepdad from hell. But it seems like such a harsh thought to have. At the same time, he's had chance after chance after chance to get his fucking act together. He's had every chance to become an actual adult, to be responsible, and he just keeps shirking these chances. He thinks there's an endless supply. Maybe there should be, for family - that whole unconditional love thing - but everytime he screws up, he's not the only one suffering. He brings my mother and I, and anyone else around, down with him. So I'm avoiding him for the time being. Because if i don't, I'll end up in a situation where I have to talk to him, and I'm not ready for that yet. |
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