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2004-10-23 The Best Laid Plans... We didn't end up going to my grandmother's this weekend after all. We were supposed to go last night, but I had the most god-awful cramps all day yesterday, and it took everything I had to stay at work. I'm not sure what's up with that, because I'm not scheduled to have cramps for another 2 weeks, but whatever. This morning, when I got up, I still didn't feel too shit-hot, my back still hurt quite a bit, and since I didn't want to take the chance that we wouldn't be able to get back to Montreal on Sunday, I decided we'd better stay home. And thus commenced yet another fight with my mom. She was upset we weren't going. At one point, I just said fine, we'd go and take our chances, but then she was all, No, no, we'll stay in, but I am disappointed, yakity-yak-yak. Fucking hell. And, of course, the argument then descended into the whole Halifax thing. It was brief, though, and then there was a huge strain on the household for the rest of the morning. THEN! My mom and I were getting along pretty well this afternoon, and after a rather long nap, I finally got up and sat down to type some more of Book Two. My mom came in to say something or other, and somehow we got onto this weekend and how we weren't able to go up north. She said she was more disappointed because some friends she hasn't seen in a long time are up there visiting family, but it turns out it's okay because they are going to be there next weekend as well. She then said she also hates not going on weekends we're supposed to, because my grandmother is 90 years old and she always worries that we won't go some weekend and something will happen to her. I stopped her right there, and told her not to say stuff like that. I have a very guilt-prone conscience and I don't appreciate it when people use that against me. I'm the type of person who will have thoughts like that anyway, but I certainly don't need other people voicing them. Quite a few years back, my neighbors up north had a dog who was actually part wolf, Max. I used to go over to play with him all the time in their yard, and when they went away, I dog-sat for them. Then one Sunday, my neighbor asked me if I wanted to come over to play with Max. I told him that I had some errands to run - the truth was that I wanted to go do something really dumb. I don't even remember what it was, but I could've gotten out of it. Then we came back to Montreal, and I found out that week that Max had died. As I said, it's been quite a few years since that happened, and I still carry a bit of guilt over it. All I could think of was how I gave up spending that last day with him. So you can imagine the effect my mother's comment had on me. I know that underlying all of these stupid arguments is my mother's inability to accept and support my decision to move to Halifax. I cannot begin to express how much it would mean to me to have her give me a bit of support on the whole thing. It's going to be hard no matter what because I'm close to my family. It's only made that much harder when some members of your family don't support it at all, and do everything they can to make you feel guilty about "abandoning" them. That's why I'm so grateful to those people in my life who *are* supporting me. My sister, my cousins, my friends (and that includes my online friends). It means so much to me because I DO have doubts about whether I should go, whether I'll be happy out there. I just wish my mom could come around, y'know? |
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