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2004-12-11 Time to Bite the Bullet I decided to elaborate a bit on what I last wrote in my weblog, since supper was ready and I had to cut it short. The basic gist is this: I'm fully realizing that if I want to move to Halifax, I'm probably going to have to just go, job, no job, because the chances are pretty slim that I'll find something there while I'm here. Even less likely will I find a place that'll hold my job for a month or so while I get my act together and actually move there. So now I'm considering the following: just go, find any job I can when I get there, and use my time off to find something "better". I spent some time last night figuring out how long I could live (frugally) off of a) what I've saved and b) what I'd make at a minimum wage job. Turns out that if I watch myself, I could do it for a good long time. And yet, this is very unlike me. I know I've been changing lately, but as a general rule, I am not a drastic, risk-taking person. Which is what has me so scared: back here in Montreal, where I don't have to worry about bills, where I have a job, friends, family, I'm comfortable. That's a very dangerous thing when deep down you want to change your life. I get mad at myself. This is MY life, afterall, and what the hell am I doing with it? Nothing! I have a job, yes, but I'm starting to really dislike it, and if enough time goes by, I could very well hate it. They treat me like shit, they don't pay me near enough for all that I do, and they take me for granted. So, that's something I'd have to change soon anyway, regardless of whether I'm living in Montreal or Halifax. There is my family and my friends. But I don't see my friends nearly often enough as it is, and as close as we'll always be, we all have our own lives (well, *they* have lives, at least). My family... Well, that's a harder one. My parents depend on me, but I also know that they *could* get on without me. It might even be good for them. My mom will never totally accept it, at least not for a good long while, but she has to realize that I wasn't born to serve her, but to eventually build my own life. My dad, my sister, and my cousins support me in my decision to move (I haven't, however, brought this whole going-without-a-job thing with them yet). So. Let's review where I am now. A job I hate. Living at home with my parents when I'm turning 25 in 2 weeks exactly (ack!). I've wanted to leave Quebec for a long time, but I'm still here. I was ready - as in willing, not financially - to move to Halifax in September. In fact, when I came back here, I was really sad for a really long time because I kept wishing I was in Halifax. But have I done anything about all of this? No. I go to job posting sites every once in awhile, get discouraged because there's nothing I can apply for now and start later. Until today, it had been a long time since I'd looked into the price-range for apartments. I had involuntarily entered the "comfort zone" and when you're a non-risk-taker like me, that's pretty damn tempting. What am I going to do, though? Sit around and daydream about moving without actually doing it? I know I could dream my whole fucking life away and get to the age of 80 and realize "Holy shit, I did fuckall with my life!" I don't want that to happen. It's terrifying to think about moving to a city where I have NO family without a job. It's terrifying to leave that comfort zone and actually do something with my life. But what's even more terrifying is doing nothing and being unhappy for the rest of my life. I need to get my butt in gear and, as a sometimes-wise man has often said (wink wink), "Suck it up". Nothing is set in stone, but if I can actually get myself to do this, to take this chance, then I'm thinking March. That seems like a decent month to go: it's not THAT far in the future, it gives me enough time to save up a bit more money, and Spring will be on its way. Now, if only I can find a pair of balls, I'll be set. |
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