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2003-09-18 Letters I've decided to compose a few letters here to people I've encountered or thought about today: Dear Mr. Red-Pick-Up-Truck-Asshole, I'm sure that it was a great source of amusement for you today when you refused to let me into your lane to avoid the parked truck in my own while making it perfectly obvious that you saw me and knew what I wanted. I'm sure that in your sad little life where you sit in your recliner eating chips and drinking beer for dinner watching white-trash television you need all the amusement you can get. But for fuck's sake, would it kill you to be a little courteous to other people? It's dickwads like you that make me cynical about the human race, and since I belong to that group, I'd really rather have faith in us. Yours truly, The Young Woman Who Gave You a Very Obscene Finger Today. P.S. Thanks for not having a gun in your truck and shooting my head off when I gave you the finger. * Dear Lexmark (printer manufacturer), I so do love my laser printer that I bought from you 4 years ago. It's fast, the ink has lasted me a really long time. But can you explain to me WHY you charge over 200 dollars for a new toner? That's just plain ridiculous. What are you doing with all that money? Don't you realize that we're not all rolling in dough? I just want to print up this book I'm writing so that maybe I'll get published and then I can buy stocks in your company. Yours truly, Your Unemployed Customer * Dear Daddy, I can't say I was overly surprised when I came home from the open house to find you in my room, snooping around in the hopes of finding one of my packs of cigarettes. It's because I know you so well that I hid those packs this morning before I left. I know that you were out of smokes and wouldn't be able to get any more until some time tomorrow, but would it have killed you to wait until I got home to ask me first? I gave a pack to you - and you'd better space them out 'cause I'm not giving you any more - and you'd better be true to your word and pay me back for it. Maybe if you didn't light a new cigarette right after stubbing out the old one, you would have been able to last until tomorrow when you go shopping. As opposed to what some people may believe, I don't have an endless amount of money stashed away somewhere. I only have a credit card that's getting more and more money charged to it. So, in the future, could you please not be an ass and at least ASK me before you start snooping around MY room? Yours truly, Your Pissed-Off Daughter. * Dear Birks lady, I really enjoyed meeting you today for the brief interview at the open house; you seem really nice and friendly. I'm nice and friendly too, and I work hard, and I'm willing to learn, and I already know someone who works in the office. So could you please hire me? As soon as possible? Please? Yours truly, The Best Damn Employee You'll Ever Have. * Dear Erica, Thank you so much for sending me the notice about the open house. It was really great of you :) I hope to be working near you in the near future. Also, don't stress too much about your first inventory. You'll be fine. Just take it slow, take a few deep breaths, and you'll do a damn great job. Your truly, Your Very Grateful Friend Who Has Total Faith in You. * Dear Sherry, Thank you for setting up my weblog for me again. And thanks for making me laugh with the bogus stuff in the sidebar. I almost didn't want to delete it. And I can't wait to have your lasagne at the party on Saturday. I wish I could cook as well as you can. Don't work too hard and don't stress. Hayley's first birthday will be perfect. Yours truly, Your Ever-Loving Sister. * Dear Hayley, I can't believe that in two days you will be turning a year old. I remember 12 months ago when I couldn't go to school or work because I was so incredibly nervous. I just wanted both you and your mommy to be okay. You are absolutely the most perfect niece I could ask for. You're beautiful and smart, and I can't believe that you're advancing so much and so quickly. I love that you remember me now when you see me. I love that all it takes is you seeing my pendant and you immediately reach out for it while making that cluck-cluck noise I introduced to you. I love having a special noise bonding us. I love your smoochy wet kisses, and that you give them so freely. I love your smile and your laugh. I love that you don't feel so insecure with me anymore and that I can hold you and play with you even when your mommy and daddy aren't in the room. It makes my eyes fill up when I realize that you remember be (even if it's the necklace that probably prompts the memory). I love that you love to play. I love that you fed me some food the last time I saw you. Basically, I just love you, more than words could ever express. I love you so much that when I'm near you I feel like I'm just going to burst. You are going to grow into such a wonderful person because there are so many wonderful and caring people around who love you. I can't wait to wish you your first birthday on Saturday. Yours truly, Your Gushing Auntie. * Dear Sherry (again), Thank you for being such a wonderful sister - I don't know if I tell you that often enough. If I'm ever a really successful writer with quite a bit of income, I promise you that I'll buy you and George a house in Nova Scotia on the ocean, just down the street from me. Then we can go to each others' houses for coffee every day. And thank you for bringing Hayley into all of our lives. Yours truly, Your Sister Who Can't Stop Gushing Now That She's Started. |
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