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2004-08-04 Dear Granny, Each time I've had to write down today's date for work, I've thought of you, because today is your birthday. It seems ridiculous that you have been gone for three years. It seems strange that I haven't wished you a happy birthday in that length of time. But today isn't only a day of sadness as I remember what I lost, but a day of happiness because I'm so grateful that you are my grandmother and I was able to spend 21 years with you. I remember Sherry and I going over to your house once a week in the summer for lunch. You'd often make salmon sandwiches with lettuce and a glass of Coke. I remember Saturday nights all-year round when you'd have us over for supper and make roast beef or chicken or roast lamb. Whether it was lunch or supper, you always had plenty of dessert because I think that was always your favorite part of the meal. I remember playing Rummy with you, and when I was really young, we'd play Go-Fish over and over even though, thinking back, you must have gotten sick of playing such a simple game. I remember when you'd come over to Nanny's each evening in the summer to play Yahtzee - I'd be in the living room and all I'd hear was Shake-Shake-Shake... Clunk-Clunk-Clunk, and then sometimes "Yahtzee!" Do you know that Mommy and Nanny haven't played that since you died? I remember when we'd rent a comedy and I'd end up laughing more at how hard and how long you'd laugh at a funny scene than at the scene itself. I remember having to occasionally lean over during a movie to tap your knee to wake you up when you dozed off. I sometimes have to do that with Nanny now and it always reminds me of you. I remember the perfume and powder you used to wear - not the name, mind you, but the scent. A week after you died, someone passed me on campus wearing that same scent and I nearly burst into tears. A few weeks ago, Sherry was going through some bags that had old magazines of yours and she called me over and told me to smell the bag. "Granny," I said. I remember when you first started to forget things, how aware and how embarassed you were by it. I hope you knew that we didn't love you any less. I can't imagine what it must have been like for you, how scary it must have been. I know that your biggest fear was being put in a home or admitted to a hospital and dying there. You wanted it to happen in your own house. Did you know that day? Is that why you went up to the bank to pay off one of your bills? People said they saw you that day, and although you said you weren't feeling well, they thought you seemed okay. I remember that day, the day it happened. I can't remember what happened during the school hours, nothing special I suppose. I came home, Mommy came home. The phone rang at 5pm and it was a neighbor who saw the ambulance at your house. Daddy tried your number and got a paramedic. In a very untactful way, he said, "Your mother is dead." I remember calling Sherry and telling her, but what I said is a blur. I remember barely being able to keep it together as I drove to Rawdon. Making phone calls, going to the funeral parlor to make arrangements, going to the bank with Daddy to open your safety deposit box. I remember your funeral. I remember when they closed your casket and it was the most horrible moment because it seemed so very final. That's when I fell apart. I miss you Granny. I miss you at the end of May as it's a reminder of your death, and I miss you today because it reminds me of both your life and your death. I'm sorry I haven't written before. I guess I didn't know what to say. I hope that wherever you are, you're having a great birthday. I will always love you, Amanda |
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