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2003-09-16 Random Thoughts I should be working on my book. I could use the excuse that my hands and wrists are just plain tired of typing and that's why I'm not working on it, but then, here I am, typing up an entry for you all to read. I'm not quite sure why I'm not all jumping up and down in my chair, guzzling coffee in the attempt to stay awake and energized enough to type like a madwoman, seeing as how I currently have 79 handwritten pages left to transfer onto this computer. Everything is winding down in the story - well, sort of. Things still to happen (nope, no tidbits tonight), but things drawing to a close... for Book One anyway. I go from loving the book to thinking it sucks to being totally neutral about it. Right now... I'm sort of a big jumble of all these things. Some parts I love, some parts I hate, some parts are... okay. But I wonder who will read it. Who will constitute my demographic if it gets published? I'm thinking mostly female, which I feel is slightly problematic. I don't want it to be mostly women reading it. I'd like a nice balance of men and women. Maybe I need more action in the book. More violence and blood and guts. Am I stereotyping? Oh, probably, but I think everyone's entitled to stereotype once in awhile as long as they realize they're doing it. * I'm sitting in my room with three candles burning (a red, a green and a yellow - there's no particular color choice; they just happened to already be in candle holders on my cabinet), a soft lamp across the room, and Loreena McKennitt playing in my stereo. It's relaxing. Before coming online, I lay down on the floor to do some "grounding". It's sort of a Wiccan practice, but it can be done by anyone of any faith. You basically lie down anywhere - it can be a penthouse a hundred stories up from the ground, it doesn't matter - and let the excess energy drain out of you and visualize it entering the ground. I usually add another element to it: drawing up revitalizing energy from the ground into myself. See, as I was watching the "Canadian Idol" finale, I realized how disconnected I feel from everything and everyone around me. It's not a constant thing, but for the past few weeks, it's been coming and going. Like I'm not really here, but just floating around, filling roles. I thought that maybe the grounding would help. But the thing is, being so disconnected, it's not like I have a bunch of excess energy weighing me down. So I settled for drawing energy from the earth. I'm not sure how well that worked. I think it's mostly related to being at home so much these days. Even during my brief stay at that job, I didn't feel connected to anyone. There was the physical separation that's partly to blame for that: I had my own office. But it was the people there also. I was the oldest one there. They were all these 17 to 19 year olds who never went to college (or were taking a few college classes here and there in the evenings), and I didn't feel like I had any connection with them. Maybe that was partly my fault - at lunch I'd have already eaten my sandwich at my desk and then I'd go to a nearby panini shop to have a coffee while reading a book. It's not like they were around much either. But I never tagged along with any of them. I guess maybe that's to be expected since I knew after two days of work that I probably wouldn't be staying there. I know I need to go out more, but the actual drive to do so isn't there. Money is an issue, of course, but it's also become a habit to stay at home. I have my book to work on. But I should still force myself to break the habit and go out for coffee with friends more. Actually, I think that what I really need is to go out dancing and drinking. God. It's been ages. I need loud, pounding music that makes the floor beneath my feet vibrate. I need that feeling to wash over me where everything in my life falls away. I need to feel strangers bumping into me as we all let go. Is there any better connection than that? Maybe sex, but hey, it's also been ages since I've been any type of relationship. * Speaking of relationships, or the lack thereof... I'm 23. I'm at that stage in my life where I'm supposed to go through all those things that are connected with love and heartache and misunderstandings and misinterpretations. And yet, it's been 4 years since I've had a boyfriend. 4 years since I've been on a date. I've been kissed in that time-span, though only once. I've had a couple of little crushes, but none of them all that serious. Remember that European guy from my religion class to whom I slipped my number at the religion ball? He never called, but I also don't care. Even the minister, that impossible crush that so consumed me for a couple of weeks. Well, it only lasted a couple of weeks. I still find him good-looking and intriguing and well-read, well-spoken, well-educated, but it's no longer a big deal. There has been one guy (that I know of) who's been interested in me in that period. Unless you count the kinda good possibility that a friend of mine was (is?) attracted to me - but with him nothing will ever happen and I think that we both know that. I'm not ugly. I'm not overly mean (except when I have to be - i.e. when provoked, in which case I turn into the biggest BITCH you've ever seen). I'm fairly friendly. I smile. I laugh. I have some knowledge. I'm creative. My mom claims that my grandfather on my dad's side looked at me when I was a baby and said that I'd be a heartbreaker. Well, Grampa? Where are all these men whose hearts I'm supposed to break? Not that I want to break people's hearts, but I think you all know what I mean. * The job that I quit: I sent the guy an email today asking him a)what time I could pick my check up on Friday and b) if he was still planning to try to doc me. I got a response this afternoon: a) 5 pm sharp (little piece of shit, but hey, I expected this) and b) "We shall discuss the issue in person". Fucking dickwad. Asshole. Bastard. I'd like to know before I get there if I'm going to have to fight him on this. Either he hasn't decided if he's going to doc me, or he's decided to try. If it's the latter, I guess it's not his fault. Having been there for only 7 days, he doesn't know how much of a mega-bitch I can become, especially when someone fucks with my money. Note to all you reading this: DON'T EVER FUCK WITH MY MONEY. It's not that I'm overly materialistic, but it's MINE. And I don't have a huge amount to begin with, so to be cheated out of any is a huge sin in my books. But he's being a child. And that's not his fault either. He's 19. He complains that now he has to do the work I was doing (as if it was a huge amount) when he has a company to run and is taking classes. For one thing, he generally walks around the sales room in the afternoon which is when he comes in, chatting with the reps. For another, who the fuck forced him to run a company AND go to school at the same time at the ripe young age of 19? I feel for you, asshole, but hey, you made the choice. Not me. Live with it and go complain to someone else. * * I bid you all a good night. Sweet dreams. |
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