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2003-04-08 Misplaced Social Life My social life seems to have gone missing. This is not a newsflash, of course, especially to me, but it was even more obvious when I came across an old entry I wrote. That was the entry about Erin's b-day party at her apartment which, thanks to much alcohol, led me to make out with a guy I met there (and to whom I haven't spoken to since). I'm not the type to do that - make out with someone I don't know and never speak to them again, nor having any intention of doing so (sidenote: it's not like I'm taking action NOT to ever see him again. I'm just not going out of my way to do so either). But I kinda miss that whole thing. Namely, having fun. Maybe it's all part of being in my last semester, as well as not being paid enough to "squander" it on booze and a $20 cab ride home, but I think I'm starting to feel a little stir-crazy. Staying at home on a Saturday night is fine if you're spending it with a significant other that you've been with for awhile. It's not so great when you're single. At the same time, yesterday I started to wonder what exactly it is that I'm looking for. I was heading to school on the subway and a good-looking guy got on at one of the stops. I was starting to put away the book I was reading as my stop was coming up, and when I looked up, he looked over and smiled. I know that I smiled back, but I don't know how much of a smile it was. I don't even know if it was noticeable to him. Then what do I do? Avert my eyes and check my watch. Good going, Amanda. It's just that I totally froze up when he smiled. I suddenly felt like I didn't have control anymore and I had to get out of the situation; and the only way I felt I could do that was to look away and appear rushed (which, granted, I was, seeing as how I was soon going to be late for my class). The thing is, I didn't want to get out of the situation. But I did it anyway. What the hell is wrong with me these days? I don't know what type of job I want (except for that ONE proofreading job in Montreal, which I haven't heard from yet), I don't know if I want to embark on a new relationship with anyone, and yet I still feel lonely. It's been a long time since I broke up with my last boyfriend, and I haven't been on a date since. I kissed one guy in that whole period (the guy from the entry I linked to above). I may not be a model, but I also don't consider myself to be ugly; I think that I'm friendly enough. I'm available. Then a guy smiles at me on the metro and I freeze and make myself look un-available. Smart move. Anyway. Enough of this I'm-so-lonely-feel-sorry-for-me nonsense. I'm off to make my lunch and get ready for bed. Maybe I'll meet Mr. Perfect tomorrow :) |
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