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2003-05-01 Surreal Today I wrote my last exam. It went... okay, I hope, although honestly I'll have to wait until the marks are in to know for sure. But that's not what I want to write about. As I left the gym where I had my exam, and walked down the street, I experienced only a brief pang of remorse, passing all those beautiful old buildings, passing the religion building, walking down to the subway like I have so many times before. If I get a job at MQUP, then I'll be in that area, but it won't be the same. I will no longer be a student. That role is done for me. I'm not entirely sure what my role is anymore. I suppose a worker - when I get a job. I know that being a student wasn't the only thing that defined me - I'm also a daughter, a sister, a grand-daughter, a friend, an aunt, among other things. But being a student took up so much of my time. And now it's gone. But like I said, that remorse was brief. For the most part, this afternoon as I walked away, the sun blazing down on me, I felt relief. I felt relief and peace as I sat down on the subway and cracked open the Diana Gabaldon book I've been (slowly) reading all semester. I came home and watched the soap I tape everyday without feeling like I have to fast-forward through the boring stuff so I can get to my homework. I did the Beltane ritual without feeling rushed (which it shouldn't be - it's religious, afterall). I LOVED the fact that I honestly didn't know what to do with myself this evening, having no mandatory reading to do, no papers to write, no studying. That's nothing new, of course - it happens every semester, especially when it's breaking for summer. But this time it was a bit different - I won't be going back. So my big plans for tomorrow? I decided to take a day for myself before going to work (I'm still at architecture, though temporarily). I feel a bit guilty about doing that, but honestly, I wrote two exams in two days. I've been going to bed late every night and then working my ass off each day. I'm tired. I'll deal with having $32 less on my paycheck, and they'll have to deal without my help tomorrow. Tomorrow is MY day. I don't think that my boss will mind since she's pretty understanding. So, I'm going to sleep in, maybe until about 10:30 or so, maybe read my book leisurely while I have my coffee, email that history prof about getting a job at MQUP as well as emailing some english publishing houses located in Montreal (I found a list of them on the web). I'll do some writing, watch a bit of tv, take my mom to the bank. Yup, those are my big, exciting plans for tomorrow. But I'm excited about them. I'm excited to have nothing earth-shattering to do, to be able to relax and regroup. I do have some serious work to do on the novel. There's one element that's quite important that I haven't figured out yet. I'm not one of those people who plan the whole book before they write it. Correction: I used to be one of those people, but it always worked against me. When I really start writing, I enter this "zone" where everything else drops away. It's as if there are muses - which I've never disputed, actually - and mine just takes over and feeds the information to my hand as it scribbles down the words. I've sometimes turned back the next day and been somewhat shocked; while I may remember the scene, I didn't remember how good or powerful it was. I almost feel strange taking credit for it. The point is that the story just flows. I don't tell the story, the characters do. The characters become real for me in a sense, and they make their own choices and suffer their own consequences. But this one part really needs to be figured out before I go much further, and it's going to take quite a bit of thought. Which is why it's good that I don't have to worry about school anymore. |
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