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2003-05-22 Waiting, Nervously I type this now offline, since the guy from Investor’s Group just called and left a message; I called back, and got the voicemail, so I left my own message. Now I have to wait and see if he calls back. Sigh. Talk about telephone tag. I’ve been trying to read as I wait, but find that I can’t. For some strange reason, I’m nervous, and I know it’s stupid. If I’d been dreaming of working for the company for years, then fine, but I haven’t. It’s because I always get nervous and fretful when even the possibility of an interview and new job presents itself. Actually, I get nervous and fretful when I’m about to go through a new experience of any kind. A friend told me recently that I take life too seriously, and I think that he’s right. Otherwise I wouldn’t be so nervous about a future interview that isn’t even set up, or a new job that I don’t have yet. I mean, really, what’s the point? Even if I go into an interview and totally fuck up, what’s the worst that’ll happen? I won’t get the job. Disappointing, yes. Worrisome because my money is quickly vanishing, yes. But hardly the end of the world. The same goes if I get a job. I may go there and hate it, hate the people. So I’ll keep looking, find another job and quit the one I have. Maybe I’ll be a failure at the company I go to work for, maybe the people won’t like me, or will think I don’t work fast enough or I haven’t learned as quickly as they’d like me to. So they’ll let me go and I’ll find another job. And after all, I honestly don’t think that most companies are evil and twisted and cruel. I have to remember that the guy giving me the interview or the boss I’ll work under is just human, has his ups and downs, has a life of his own, etc. He’s not a monster (in the literal sense, at least). But the funny thing (certainly not ha-ha funny) is that no matter how many pep talks I give to myself, how many times I write these things down, the nervousness follows me around like a shadow. I can usually manage to calm myself down temporarily, and then I try to distract myself with something else. But eventually, I think of an interview, a new job, new people, and I get shaky and clammy and queasy. The phone just rang and it was the guy’s assistant. Apparently he just left the office for a meeting and won’t be back in the office today. So he’s going to call me at noon tomorrow. Sigh. Seriously, this is getting annoying. But at least I can calm down for now, and I know when he’s going to call. Phew.
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